The mourning for what could have been, that’s a heavy weight. And the shame of not being enough for others expectations. I’ve been very lucky in that I found something to study with enough structure and novelty that got me through college, but it was not what I started out with. I didn’t even realize about the ADHD until the depression got bad enough to seek help in my 30s (after a year of not working and somebody helping me to make my first appointment) and the psych noticed all my coping mechanisms fit. She got me assessed and medicated. That came with its own challenges, but it made a world of difference in my relationships, my hobbies, self care, etc. That would be my biggest recommendation if you’re not already, to get on meds (also, apologies if you’re just looking to vent and not for advice). It won’t fix everything or give you back what you’ve lost, but it can make things more manageable. And if you’re like so many others that can’t afford to seek professional help, then many find some relief with nicotine and caffeine.